Picture this: the Don in an hibiscus-themed shirt and a day-glow tan, tiny hands creeping around a pair of Gold Coast meter maids, toupee blowing precariously in the offshore. It’s 2018 and the recently impeached prez has been poached by the WSL in a desperate bid to make pro surfing great again. He approaches the mike at Snapper Rocks for his inauguration speech…
“Thank you for coming along today. I love you people. I love all people. There must be billions of you out there. I love babies. Not that baby. He can shut the hell up. That’s what ISIS wants to hear. Music to their ears. Can we get him out of here? Or her? See – I’m not sexist. People say I grab women. Women say that. Lots and lots of women. My wife is a woman and she’s had babies and look the pins on her. Isn’t she fantastic. See? Not sexist.
“Now, the surf media are going to be saying stuff about me. Lies- like they do. Fake news – like they do. Donald doesn’t surf. Donald doesn’t know surf. Let me tell you a bit about that. I own surf. How about that? I bought it in the 80s for a couple of mill. Isn’t that fantastic.
“For many years – decades actually – the Donald Trump Organisation – that’s me – have written off half our business earnings because of pro surfing’s unsustainable business model. That’s hundreds of millions in legal tax avoidance. All because of surf, because of you guys. That’s smart business, right. I’m a smart guy. Very smart. There is no one smarter.
“I’m here to tell you the WSL has lost its way. The WSL is no longer great. Past CEO’s – and I love them all – have been complete jerks. We’ve seen events run in onshore surf. Events shipped off to foreign countries to take advantage of cheap labour. Big wave events that don’t run because no one has the moxie to hustle up a few forty footers.
“For too long China has been screwing us. Mexico too. But mostly China. Where do you think all those missing south swells end up?
“This ends today. No more on shores. No more flat days. No more excuses.
“I’m proud to announce that under my leadership of the WSL the world tour will return to the best wave in the world: Huntington Pier. We will return and it will be firing. And we will build a wall around it to keep the rapists and the Australians out. Mexico will pay for it. That’s right, Mexico.
“All other tour events will be right here in America, the best country with the best waves built by the best engineers. There will be an American World Champion for the next fourteen years. His name will be Donald Trump Junior. A real nice kid. A sweet kid. The greatest kid. The best.
“Pro surfing will start winning again. Winning like never before. We will bring back our waves. We will bring back our dreams. We will build wave pools and great big fences around them. I will fight for you with every breath in my body and I will never ever let you down.
“I will make pro surfing great again. That is my pledge to you.
“You can thank me later. Or now. Now would be better.”
By Bones.
