The North Shore to host betting man’s dream event: Australia’s best, Joel ‘the-slack-backed-hacker’ Parkinson, and Mick ‘the-white-hot-whip’ Fanning, will test their groove in a 50/50 crap shoot for the only crown a straight surfer would dare wear to the ball.

Hands up who lost money on the Melbourne cup? Wow, there’s a lot of you. I too copped an unwelcome rough-handed reach around from Lady Luckless – again. Quinellas are my thing in that great pony shuffle, ever since I hit the one-two many years ago, but that memory’s fading faster than a glorious moment I enjoyed with a couple of ladies in the shower stall of my local dunnies in 1991. Curse my unreliable wank bank! I wish hard-drives were available for beer-soiled brains. Better yet, I wish the Melbourne Cup was a two horse race, you know? Like the World Title finale coming up in Hawaii.

It’s true, come December the North Shore will host a betting man’s dream event: Australia’s best, Joel ‘the-slack-backed-hacker’ Parkinson, and Mick ‘the-white-hot-whip’ Fanning, will test their groove in a 50/50 crap shoot for the only crown a straight surfer would dare wear to the ball.

And who wouldn’t want to, despite the rebel tour talk and the quest by top surfers to cut themselves into the action a little more by pressuring the ASP this year, the Association of Surfing Professionals world crown is still the ultimate accolade for any surfer. Even Dane Reynolds wants one.

Parko Profile from Joel Parkinson on Vimeo.

Having two lone Aussies in the hunt makes picking a winner (at least out loud) a difficult task indeed. I discovered this conundrum by failing to get a definitive answer from almost every Aussie I spoke to. Even ex-pat Pommy and Gold Coast resident photographer Simon ‘Swilly’ Williams failed to give me a straight answer, and he’d been watching them both surf just days prior. “Oh, god, Joel’s been throwing so much spray, then Mick, fucking hell, that’s why he was a world champion. Realistically both of them are in another league, and putting them against each other is like splitting hairs.” I pushed Swilly for an analogy, it’s the least I could do for those wanting to place a wager either way. “Mick, he’s like a fucking formula one racing car, he goes so quick – he’s on fire. And then there’s Parko moving about 36 cubic tonne of water every time he does a turn – there were people on their balconies in Surfers going, ‘Fuck, is it raining?’”

Swilly’s on the fence; next was Tommy Carroll. “I’m really feeling for Joel,” He told me. “He’s in unchartered waters and it’s a bit of a long shot. He had the lead all year.” But Tom, what’s it going to take, I plead? Then Pipe’s greatest ever laid it on me “Okay, here it is. Pipeline’s a dream destroyer! A dream destroyer and a dream maker! It’s given me the best and the worst experiences I’ve ever had in competition – that’s a guarantee. And now they’re both up for it too, I don’t care where Mick is (in the ratings) and I don’t care where Joel is, but Pipeline, she’s the one that’s going to sort it out.” I confessed to having goose bumps and feelings of being touched by a messiah then Tom delivered his final gospel, “It’s in Pipeline’s hands, and that’s a lovely thing.” Man, I wasn’t around to here Jesus talk of God, but I have heard TC talk about Pipeline. Amen.

Little Red Welcome Back from Billabong on Vimeo.

Time to gauge the contenders and where their heads are at. Sifting through online interviews and the Queensland papers etc I came away with a poignant quote from each combatant. Joel’s from his own website, “…if you had of told me in January that going into Pipe all I needed to do was finish two or three spots in front of Mick and I’d win the world title, I would have asked, ‘Where do I sign?'” I love it. Front foot all the way from the guy entered in both The Reef Event at Haleiwa and the O’Neil at Sunset. Keep surfing, keep rolling and let it happen naturally. Mmm.

On the other hand we have Mick. He hasn’t entered any event other than Pipe. Going the cotton wool route [clichéd, but oh so true]. Tick the boxes. Stay at home, avoid the limelight, train your arse off and stay focused. After pointing out how cool the situation is to the Brisbane Times and how he and Joel will both laugh about it later in life, his sign off was sporting gold. “Talking can be a bit over-rated.” Boom, there it is.

“tour de san clemente” mick fanning from Mick Fanning on Vimeo.

Two super confident dudes, two wildly different strategies.

Still not sure who to throw your dough on? Well, after a few more fence sitters put the sleeper hold on me, I got to thinking that quite possibly no one was game to split the much loved Coolie boys, until? Please welcome nine times world champion, surfing super brain and most successful Pipeline surfer of all-time, Mr Kelly Slater. Mr Slater can you please tell us who you think will win the 2009 world title? “Possession is nine tenths of the law, so Mick. If Mick loses his first heat Joel still needs his best or second best ever result at Pipe. Joel has to better whatever Mick does by three rounds. I think it’s safe money – Mick will win.”

– Col B

Past Pipe Masters results:
2008 – Parko 9th – Mick 17th
2007 – Parko 4th -Mick 17th
2006 – Parko 33rd – Mick 9th
2005 – Parko 17th – Mick 2nd

Note: Have you seen Joel and Mick’s infamous Greasy & Lemmy Sketch from Doped Youth? Do yourself a favour and click here now!