Originally convinced the new virus was either a media concoction or an illness somewhere located between a common cold and a cold sore, the ignorer poured scorn on all reports of the pandemic. His, and it is usually a he, response was to scoff at people washing their hands and his medical advice was to simply man up. Masks are for the paranoid and elbow bumps for the soft. Back in the day, he says, we dealt with a pandemic the right way; by having a barbeque, a beer and chat over the fence.

 

Having sharpened the axe, filed the knives, polished the lures, fixed all the dings on the trusty 6’8” pintail, beeswaxed the swag and loaded up the Landy with two tonnes of baked beans and 18 cartons of VB, the survivor is ready to go bush at any moment. He’s chosen the most remote of five favoured camping spots, and with the freshwater creek providing consistent banks halfway up the deserted 15 kilometre beach, reckons he can hold out for 18 months, or until the pandemic passes, whichever comes first.

The Conspiracy Theorist

Having read a Dean Koontz thriller back in 1982, the Conspiracy Theorist was well-prepped for this outbreak. The Chinese, of course, as we all know, manufactured the virus in a lab as a bioweapon. Or maybe it was the US army who deliberately brought the epidemic to Wuhan.  Mind you the WHO is corrupt and owned by the Deep State, funded by Celine Dion and Bill Gates. Or maybe it was the WSL, who didn’t have the money to fund Bells, and so started the whole thing in Kelly Slater’s locker?

 

“Do not wait for a vaccine, start to care for yourselves in the right way,” posts the positive viber. “Boost your immune systems with loving relationships, forgive everyone who has hurt you and start building a new spiritual paradigm in your lives. Surf a mid-length, take up painting or writing or create pottery. Listen to beautiful music and above all do not stress.” Which is all well and good, until they contract Covid and the excessive cytokine production causes the lungs to fill with fluid, which prevents oxygen from getting into the blood to nourish the other organs in the body, which leads to a sudden and horrible death. Then those new clay ashtrays ain’t much use at all. 

 

The Scientist has been tracking the data since Wuhan and knows the current mortality rates, new vaccine patents, the total cases, means of infection, types of testing kits, South Korea’s mitigation strategies and has read all of the 862 World Health Organisation reports. The extra information of course, isn’t much use, and while the 50 hand washes a day are commendable, they might be better just turning the phone off and going for a walk in the bush. 

The Average Surfer

The average surfer is aware and, righty, concerned of the virus. They want to follow good practise, wash their hands and start social distancing as per the guidelines. The WCT cancellation was a bummer, but totally the right decision. They know hoarding toilet rolls is insane, and that we need to look after the elderly and the vulnerable. In effect, the average surfer will sacrifice themselves for the greater good of the community if it means getting out of this situation more quickly with fewer lives lost. They will stay at home if asked. Well, except if there is a cyclone swell. I mean, it’s been a lean summer and you can’t get the virus in the water, right? Yeah, an average surfer will do whatever it takes, except, of course, stop surfing.