As part of the WSL’s optimistic and ambitious restart, the co-ed, team Rumble at the Ranch ran in uniform wave pool conditions on August 9th. Viewers bemoaned the monotony of the wave and the lack of ingenuity in surfing the wave (a glitchy live stream didn’t make viewing more pleasurable). Wave pools were supposed to lead to innovation. Unfortunately, adherence to archaic, standardised scoring systems undermines that dream. Surfers experienced in youth contests are probably familiar with the phrase “three to the beach.” That’s cute for kids, but watching professional surfers regress to childhood with 12 turns and two barrels on the same wave gets boring.
Rather than beat the drolling drum of nitpicking the event, the forward-thinking move is to consider improvements. This list of suggestions could operate as an á la carte menu. But a set menu approach, incorporating multiple options, would be more filling. Using all of the options in one contest would be delicious gluttony.
First, if the WSL wants the “Rumble at the Ranch” to live up to the name, there needs to be more rumble, so the Main Event heats must be head-to-head. Put two surfers in the water and send only one wave. Imagine Felipe Toledo and Kanoa Igarashi throwing spray to knock one another off the only wave of their heat. Rails would bash, rivals vying for position in tiny Wave Ranch barrels. Surfers could not put their hands on one another, rather attempting to box one another out before catching the wave. Forcing the opponent to miss a wave guarantees a score, enabling the surfer catching the wave to try anything on the wave without fear of losing the heat (innovation without penalty). Once both surfers are up and riding, they execute manoeuvres by out-positioning and out-manoeuvring one another using their mastery of acceleration and deceleration on the wave.
To further ratchet things up, start the contest with five-surfer Seeding Heats. Only four waves will roll through for this five-surfer game of Musical Waves. Randomly vary size and style of wave. Surfers would jockey for waves without knowing which wave in the set is best. If two surfers catch the same wave, there is still no touching, as riders try to surf the wave better than their opponent. One person may be left without a wave, which would be embarrassing. Seeding Heat results determine co-ed pairings for the Main Event.
In the final, feature four heats. Heats 1 and 2 run again as head-to-head with men against men and women against women. Heats 3 and 4 would be cooperative. In cooperative heats, teammate pairs surf the wave at the same time. Elaborate carves around one another; floaters over a teammate’s head as they get barreled; an Alley-Oop OVER COCO HO (!) Team with the highest aggregate score wins.
As another wrinkle, consider: Chicago, Illinois dyes the Chicago River green for St Patrick’s Day. The churning of the water activates the dye and the water stays green for 24 hours. There’s a classic childhood game called “don’t touch the lava.” Why not dye the Surf Ranch water red, like lava?
Also, start each heat three minutes before the waves. Surfers enter the pool and a pair of Ranch employees put on swim fins, snorkels, and a model Great White dorsal fin. While the surfers wait for waves and attempt to get in position, the ‘sharks’ ‘hunt’ the surfers. Sharks try to push the surfers off their boards or force them out of position for the takeoff. Entrepreneurial sharks could try to interfere with the surfer on the wave!
Some chaos-inducing changes could include: mounting giant two giant fans on two jet skis and have the skis follow the wave and generate some artificial onshore wind. Add some “cross-shore current” to push surfers out of the takeoff spot. Maybe add some currents to the middle of the wave to generate launch pads or throatier barrels.
A version of Surf Ninja Warrior could feature floating foam ‘kooks’ bobbing in the lineup (these would be tethered to the bottom of the pool drift across the face of waves). Foam pieces of ‘stream runoff’ drifting through the lineup (unconnected to the pool floor) and suspended foam ‘drones’ dropping into the lineup to distract and occasionally collide with surfers would pique viewers’ attention. Along those lines, adding Nerf foam weapons would put disruption in the hands of opponents. Opposing surfers not in the water should be allowed to shoot Nerf guns at the surfers. Matt Meola loves bow hunting; he would crush this contest if he had a Nerf bow to unleash at opponents.
An equipment switch would expose the importance of shapers and highlight the versatility of the surfers, so add a Plinko Board of Boards. Each surfer brings one board to the Rumble. Via lottery, surfers are assigned a Plinko drop order. Following that order, surfers would drop a Plinko chip. Whichever board it bounces down to is the board they will have to surf for the entire contest. Kanoa Igarashi on Tatiana Weston-Webb’s board! Jordy Smith on one of Kelly Slater’s tiny quads! Mikey February submitting an asymmetrical board and Felipe being forced to ride it!
Incorporating a few of these menu items would make wave pool contests more palatable. At the very least, next time the left ought to be better.
