Bells Beach is arguably home to the most ardent surf fans in the world. From Ballarat to Bendigo and Warrnambool to Wonthaggi, no other surfing location can quite muster the sheer demented enthusiasm that the Victorians provide over Easter. With the Rip Curl Pro imminent their dedication had me thinking about the psychological makeup of, you, the surf fan. Of course no surf fan is identical and delving deeper into the surf fan psyche it is clear that definite tribes exist. Here we take a look at the few of the sub-sets. If you have any more hit us below the line. Oh and let us know where you fit in.
The Fantasy Geek
This surf fan allocates more time to picking a fantasy surf team than actually surfing, working and playing with the kids. They will know more about Julian Wilson’s acromioclavicular joint than Julian’s own doctor, have a detailed spreadsheet on Filipe Toledo’s heat average at Winki vs Bells and will set the alarm at 3.30am on a Wednesday morning to see if Ace Buchan beats Caio Ibelli in a Round 3 heat in Portugal. Work productivity work decreases 175 per cent whenever an event starts and the Fantasy Surfer WhatsApp group gets checked 70 times a day. Of the comments on the thread, 86 per cent are theirs.
The Commentator Hater
To the commentator hater, the sound of a Martin Potter mangled metaphor, or a Joe Turpel stream of unconsciousness, is enough to make the blood boil with poison mercury. Whilst always vowing to turn the webcast off or even mute the broadcast they never do, being a slave to both their surf addiction and the love of hating the poor dudes forced to talk all day through 35 minute heats that feature around two minutes of surfing. Of course, given the chance, they would do a much better job. I mean how hard can it be?
The Patriot
The Patriot sees his favourite surfers only through the lens of his country’s colours. Thus for the Australian patriot, Adriano de Souza’s World Title was an obvious global conspiracy and just why Gabriel Medina isn’t prosecuted for crimes against humanity every time he paddles on the inside is unfathomable. The Brazilian of course, believes Gabby is simply a competitive freak with a heart of gold, while Filipe Toledo’s suspension was further proof that that old Aussie/US axis will do anything to keep the Brazilian storm at bay. The South Africans know that Jordy Smith is underscored, even on his duckdives. For the Hawaiians, every turn must be, unfavourably, compared to that of Andy Irons. As for the Kiwi surf fan, well, who really cares?
The Historian
The Historian can tell you who won came third in the trials in the 1987 BHP Steel International (Terry Woodiwiss, obvs), the beach where Kelly Slater won his 7th World Title dand can recite every Triple Crown Winner, male and female, since 1975. For the historian, the past is a far better place, where Sunset was still a proving ground, power surfing took precedence and aerials belonged on your radio.
The Head Judge
Nothing sets the head judge off more than an underscored 6.60, a high balled frontside rotation or, red flag to bull, a ten that just isn’t a fucking ten. They obviously have a far better understanding of the criteria than the six full time professionals that judge for a living and become apoplectic when forced to witness the all too obvious errors of judgement and plain bias that can end careers. They will then head to Facebook to vent their fury in capital letters when say Ezekiel Lau, despite showing power, flow and variety, still fell short of the 7.2 he needed.
