Delving even deeper into the various strata of the surfosphere, here we take a look at the various types of tribes amongst surfboard owners. From the dude with all the latest models to the dudette with 84 singlefins, as surfers, we are all surfboard owners. But what type are you? If you recognise yourself in here let us know or, better still, if there’s a mate that fits the ball, please call em out. Oh and as ever let us know the ones we’ve left out.
On Trend Tim
On Trend Tim visits the surf shop once a week and buys a new board one in six visits. He was the second person, after Dane Reynolds, to have a Dumpster Driver and once camped out the front of Hayden Shapes factory for three nights to get his hands on a fresh Hypto Crypto. Only Ace Buchan can match his JS Monsta collection and if you tallied up all the coin he’s paypalled to Al Merrick over the years, he should have shares in Channel Islands. Now often these boards in no way fit Tim’s height, weight or surfing standard, but what does that matter when he can wax up a Kelly Slater 4’7” Omni and get the admiring looks from everyone in the carpark? And even if he can’t paddle it, well, that’s still 1200 bucks well spent.
Dingalot Dave
Despite 20 years of evidence to the contrary, Dingalot Dave refuses to believe that saltwater affects the molecular structure and hydrodynamic performance of polyurethane foam. Dingalot Dave’s idea of a repair job ranges from wax, to blue tack to stickers, none of which, funnily enough, are waterproof. The brown colour of his quiver doesn’t seem to worry him, nor that each point of his four swallowtails are a splintered fibreglass mess. He also can make a new board age like no other turning a fresh custom stick freshly retro in a manner of mere months.
Perfectionist Pete
Perfectionist Pete would rather you cut off his left testicle with nail clippers than give his surfboard a Chinese wax job and would prefer you rode his sister instead of his new DHD six channel MF model. Each of his quiver is immaculate maintained and stored in a climatic controlled basement to optimize fibreglass protection. He spends more time on his wax jobs than making love to his partner to the point where he is more likely to get an erection using Mr Sheen than KY jelly. The thought of pancreatic cancer is also preferable than dealing with a fin chop to his precious new five fin combo. The panic attack he had when watching how Garuda’s well trained baggage staff load a plane also means he’ll never travel overseas again.
Kerry the Curator
Kez’s idea of a fun Saturday is a six-hour round trip to Mt Druit to checkout a recently hocked Hot Buttered 6’3”. Kez has his first ever board, literally the start of a collection that is now frankly out of control. Spending more time on Gum Tree than surfing, he has amassed a frankly staggering array of rather shit surfboards. For every one MP shaped board he once found under a mate’s dead uncle’s house, there are 20 singlefins that were obviously abandoned for a reason. They go like shit. Still, the hunt never stops for Kez who now gets more adrenalin from checking his latest eBay bid on a 75 McTavish than from surfing the local bombie.
Self-Shaped Simon
A jack of all trades, but master of none, Self-Shaped Simon has taken his above average handyman skills to surfboard manufacturing with great passion, but generally poor results. It is the zealous satisfaction of riding his own boards that keeps his hobby alive, as the slightly (unintended) asymmetric designs with the ever so wonky foil always look horrible and must perform even worse. The only thing worse than his templates are his self-designed logo, which changes every three or four surfboards and usually involves a seahorse. He, however, thinks he is handcrafting state of the art surfboards, which might be something to do with the amount of fibreglass fumes he inhales in the back shed every weekend.
