I suck at math, but I’m pretty sure there was a 75% possibility that a member of the Brazilian Storm would win some freshly mined Bitcoins and a shiny trophy courtesy of Nayib Bukele, the Head of State of the surf nation sandwiched between Guatemala and Honduras. Spoiler alert; it didn’t happen.
What a week it’s been. Choco slob supplanted lay days, only to be replaced by a mini window of pretty fun surf. Of course, the J Bay comparisons turned out to be a hoax, but what gives. We still witnessed occasionally firing conditions à la the Kanoa vs Grif battle. At this stage, I would usually urge you to watch back Grif’s wave of the event that might change your mind that Punta Roca is worthy of a spot on the Cream Tour over on the Heat Analyzer, but I won’t. I can’t!
It looks like all of Elo’s engineering minions went on strike after the Elimination Rounds denying us the pleasure of watching back Slim Shady’s equipment failure, Grif’s ankle break float or perhaps Gilmore’s masterclass on how to surf a right-hand point-break less than 24 hours ago.
Some might call me a conspiracist, but does it have anything to do with the WSL appointing a new Chief Financial Officer, luring away Jason Eckert from the National Basketball Association? Did someone lose the paychecks in the mail? Insider trading? Bribing the commentary team to keep referring to Punta Roca as the Latin American J Bay? It’s probably nothing, but just in case I ain’t tripping, Mister Eckert, please pay the men and women – we want our Heat Analyzer back!
Nuf nonsense and industry news no one cares about, and back to what matters most – Medina’s new necklace giving him superpowers! Just kidding, Finals Day, of course!!
Semi-Final – Women’s Side Of Things
After two mammoth days, Finals Day was a quick one. For the first Semi-Final Heat of the day, Jo Defay took on her Nemesis in Lakey P. Lakey is 4 out of 4 against Defay this season and guess what? She made it 5 in a row claiming her spot in the Final. It was a tough morning for the Jungle Queen, who never seemed to get going. A meagre 4.17 and 5.50 as a keeper was Jo’s second-lowest Heat total of the whole event. However, she won’t be too mad for long as she continues breathing down Carissa’s neck for the best seat in the house.
The second Heat featured perhaps the two most in-form surfers all event. After finding themselves in the Elimination Rounds, Steph and Caroline Marks picked up the pace in the following Heats putting down some huge numbers.
This should have been the Final, but it wasn’t. Steph – having one of the greatest point- breaks as her private plunge pool right out front at home was too strong for (technically a) wildcard Caroline Marks. Two mid-range scores and a lot of style were enough to send the young Floridian back to the stands. Steph again showed why she is the GOAT of point-breaks- both men and women. We love you!
Semi-Final – Dude’s Side Of Things
In the first XY chromosome Heat, Medina took on soon-to-be-housemate-in-Brazil Griffin Colapinto for what should have been – and I know I keep repeating myself – the main event. Both surfers went ham all event. Cola Bro number 1 well and truly arrived on the big stage while Gabby needs no introduction. You can say whatever you want about the 3x World Champ, but once he retires with Guaraná Antarctica hooked up to his veins somewhere between Rio and Florianópolis, he’ll go down as one of the best competitors, if not the best competitor, ever! In his second consecutive Semi-Final after his mini-retirement, Medina circled Colapinto like a lion circles his prey. Patient, calculated and tactical. So tactical, in fact, that the WSL referee ordered a fresh set of clock – a restart to break the stalking.
It was an incredibly slow Heat until Grif snuck away for an incomplete punt. A missed opportunity for the lamb to rattle the lion but at least something to wake me up from my siesta. It was again Grif who broke the silence with an excellent 8.50 and a 4.50 shortly after. It looked like the lion was done – scrambling for position somewhere between Mama Roca and Guatemala. But, we’re talking about Medina, and if we know one thing; Gabby never quits – especially in average waves. Two solid scores in quick succession were enough for a lead change, but Grif wasn’t done! Shortly after, Grif returned the favour with two average waves and a finger snip claim that convinced the judges to send him through to the Final. This Heat was decided on the rocks, and Cola Bro numero uno leads the personal competition between the roommates-to-be. Are you not entertained?!
For Semi-Final number 2, my crystal bowl predicted a Brazilian winner, which was 100% spot on! No one will ever tell me again that witchcraft and magic don’t have a place in professional surfing. And finally! On the last day of the event, we have an actual side-by-side J Bay comparison. Remember Toledo stomping two Alley Oops in South Africa back in 2017? The perfect ten that crowned him the King of Africa? Well, he did it again. Sorta! Two huge punts followed by a huger (might not be a word. Oh, well) carve bagged him a near-perfect 9.70 and a Portugal re-match in the Final with Griffin Colapinto.
The Main Event – Women’s Side Of Things
Steph won and broke her own record with a 33rd CT win at El Salvador. Yayy. Enjoy that chicken burger tonight. The 100k too. Done.
My rational side would have left it at that. My journalistic soul, however, couldn’t live with it. It was rough – not only for the surfers but also for the viewers.
The conditions turned absolute kaka, making scores hard to come by. Steph did bag a beautiful 7.33 but not much else. A 5.67 backup score was enough for the queen to pick up her 33rd win and put her into World Title contention. Other than that?! Not much. Steph surfed a total of 4 waves vs Lakey’s 7. Welcome to the Dream Tour, folks.
El Final – Men’s Side Of Things
Fun fact. Grif was the only surfer not from the Samba Nation coming into D-Day. Way to hold down the fort for the common folks, Grif! But when Filly starts to punt, it’s (almost) game over. After sitting pretty for what felt forever, Toledo dropped a cool 9.5 on two massive punts against the wind. What a freak. Colapinto didn’t back down, though, keeping it spicy on da rails, dropping a nine as a response.
As the great philosopher, Shakira once said, “Hips don’t lie”, making Colapinto jiggle on the rocks – feeling the comeback! Grif doubled down shortly after with a couple of air revs, turning a frothy cappuccino-looking wave into a fun, frothy cappuccino-looking wave.
It was a constant back and forth between the two, not leaving each other any room for errors. This Final is bananas! Two guys are going blow for blow, literally trying to outdo each other on every damn wave dropping straight airs, steezy Air3s and excellent scores left, right and centre. Gimme more – this is what I stayed up for!
Cola got one more shot at glory under Toledo’s priority with 3 minutes on the clock for the happy ending. Grif dropped an 8 on his last wave for the win! That’s right – Griffin Colapinto single handedly defeated the Brazilian Storm. It goes to show that not all heroes wear capes.
Brazil Up Next! Hasta luego.
Final Results
Men’s
Griffin Colapinto – 17.00
Felipe Toledo – 16.00
Women’s
Stephanie Gilmore – 13.00
Lakey Peterson – 10.67
Semi- Final Results
Men’s
Heat 1
Griffin Colapinto – 13.30
Gabriel Medina – 13.17
Heat 2
Felipe Toledo – 17.10
Italo Ferreira – 13.20
Women’s
Heat 1
Lakey Peterson – 12.70
Johanne Defay – 9.67
Heat 2
Stephanie Gilmore – 14.50
Caroline Marks – 9.84
