Quik Hit & Disappointments... A Wankers Tale
By Col Bernasconi | 26 February 2012
Taj Burrow. Pic: natesmithphoto.com
I wasn't happy to be up at five thirty this morning but it happened. So, I dealt with it by sharing the pain like a virus and waking up the rest of Team Tracks, including Shane Fletcher - a new addition to the normal waste-oids, who is currently making a movie based around the Aussie leg of the tour [yet to be titled]. I like 'Bong's Island' (*the title of a film my friends and I made when we were 14), or 'Songs Of The Barrel in E minor', or my favourite, 'Stormy Night Cock Riding Surfer boys'. Whatever the outcome is on the final decision on the title, I can at least congratulate myself for contributing.
After slipping into my thigh-enhancing wetsuit/lycra shorts, and then pasting over the top my Tommy Carroll hand me down top-of-the-range (in 2009) Quikky boardies, I left the apartment without waiting for any of the boys - left fumbling to get their shit together in a panic thanks to my lie about Snapper being, “all time!” The lie gave me a small amount of joy as I attempted to jog to the keyhole, but it didn't last long. Fast forward past the three fat Snapper dribblers I ruined and then a sad bout of self gratification back in my apartment shower and you find me sat with a bowl of Nutri-Grain in the Snapper Rocks surf club. Still caffeine free, I managed to find a spot away from familiar faces, and with my milk and sugar proceeded to dwell on the comment the security guard made as I entered in virtual anonymity. “Why do you have two wrist passes?” It was an innocuous question that underlined the boredom one must feel getting the early shift guarding three boxes of cereal and a fruit platter in a media and VIP only free breakfast bar, that due to the evening alcohol intake at these events is virtually empty. “I just do”, I replied. It's a small and boring detail but another moment in life that my quick-witted alter ego would have sorted on the spot. “Because I'm twice as special as these other hacks and one single wrist band would have failed to reflect my inner rainbow.” I hate my alter ego despite his enviable arrogance and hairless brown chest.
Luckily for me (and you), the call had been made to run the second round of The Quiksilver Pro and I had a purpose. Eat, drink coffee, then sit on my arse in the surfers' area and try not to get in anyone's way (or start drinking Coronas). Reflecting on my earlier mood, some of the men getting ready to surf looked slightly emasculated. Parko looked shorter, Taj looked thinner and Dane looked like he actually cared. They don't call it the 'loser round' for nothing. There's desperation not to be left bloody and bleeding at this stage of the competition. At the end of business yesterday it was blatantly obvious that Kelly Slater and John John Florence, with their plus 18-point performances, reigned supreme. But two other surfers stuck their beaks out too … Tyler Wright and Dane Reynolds. Tyler had gone straight through to the Roxy Pro third round with a near flawless 17.70 and Dane - well, he flipped out with some fourth dimension front-side skull-fuckery but ultimately failed. Crazy as it seems, Taj Burrow had also lost on day one and the cards had he and Dane matched up in heat two of the said 'losers' round'.
Dane Reynolds. Pic: natesmithphoto.com
Grabbing a seat, I nestled in among the fortunate fourteen-and-unders on the surfers' deck for the day's main event. Yep, it was already a done deal in that regard. The heat didn't disappoint. Surfing should be a wave-riding contest though, and when one competitor's wave selection is far superior you don't always get the guns at twelve paces shoot-out you wanted. At least that's when the man on lesser quality waves is anyone but Dane. The two traded blows and fell at times, in the knowledge that anything not out of the ordinary just would not do. In the end Taj's fins' free rides (complete with stylish powder hacks) out scored Dane's one section madness … 18.10 to 16.06 the heat went to Taj. “It was good to get that one out of the way because I was tossing and turning last night, thinking about what I was going to do against Dane (Reynolds),” Burrow said. “His approach to surfing is kind of the same as mine, so I'm glad we put on a show. Before that heat, I hadn't really had a good wave out there yet this year, because yesterday I only caught one piddly two footer. I was just finding my feet today at the start of that heat, then I saw Dane hang his board out on a couple of turns and it got me pumped.”
With that done, I hit the sand and wandered down to replenish my fellow Tracks compadre, Nate Smith with some free Iced Tea. He was posted up on the sand in the blaring heat and the rude awakening I'd given him earlier had me in debt. “Iced tea?” He said to me blankly, and unimpressed. Tough crowd. On my way back through the bull pit where the real self-proclaimed 'Gonzo' journalists get their post heat quotes, I brushed past Swellnet's Steve Shearer (aka The Outsider). Weird hat, pocket full of pens and note pads, he rebuffed my greeting with a semi taken-a-back return greeting. For a brief moment my earlier feelings of diminished self worth returned. They - he and his mate Stu Nettle - 'are better scribes than I', I said to myself as I plodded through the sand.
Soon enough, I regretted my attempt to be civil, but thankfully, every step I took back up to the exclusive surfers' deck had me feeling better and better and better. It's a small consolation to the poor education I carry like herpes, but it's all I have. Hell, I even chuckled when the lid of my ice tea rolled itself off the lushly faux-carpeted deck down onto their sandy nest below. No one likes VIP trash, especially when it rains down on them like human spit. Disappointed in myself for being such a wanker I retreated again to our apartment, drew the curtains and watched the remaining heats live on Fuel TV. Boxer shorts are comfortable.
*'Bong's Island' was never released. Despite some rudimentary editing, the acting was superb and the high-pitched voices of pre-pubescent boys divine. But the film's green subject matter and overtones of school rebellion through time travel were no doubt beyond what young minds should be exposed to.
QUIKSILVER PRO GOLD COAST ROUND 2 RESULTS:
UPCOMING QUIKSILVER PRO GOLD COAST ROUND 3 MATCH-UPS:
Watch it live: HERE